We Kissed God Goodbye: Why We're Mad at "Courtship" Books

Once Upon a Time…
I kissed dating goodbye.
I entered a courtship with someone.
We were best friends.
We broke up.
We didn’t get married.

But wait…that’s not how it was supposed to end, right?

I, like many other Christians in my generation, filled my mind and heart from an early age with all manner of books about godly romance, Christian dating/courtship, and doing “it” God’s way. In many ways I am thankful for the influences of such literature, but lately I’ve been thinking about just how much I relied upon those books and how much I shaped my view of what my life should look like based on other peoples’ stories—people I’ve never even met.

With such a revelation, it’s easy to initially feel internally jarred, and then just furious at these people who allegedly messed up my life by defining it, and then when I followed what they said…I still ended up confused, manipulative, unhappy, and unmarried.

And apparently I'm not the only one.

Blogposts scoffing at books by the Ludys, Joshua Harris, and Elisabeth Elliot are all the rage. I even read one post in which a woman blamed said authors for the fact that she was nervous about being flirtatious in front of married men. Well, before I risk hopping off onto a rabbit trail, I must quickly add that we SHOULD be careful not to be flirtatious—particularly around married men. Seriously—we live in a crazy world where infidelity is spreading faster than stage four cancer. Yes, be on guard, people. Be. On. Guard.

But I, too, have been tempted to blame relational problems or complications based on notions and ideas about if I do THIS, then I’ll get THAT, just like [fill in author’s name] said.


Ah, but then a prodding came upon my heart. And I realized that it wasn’t someone else’s philosophy that had messed me up. It wasn’t someone else’s sermon, book, or conference that had left me lonely, confused, and bewildered. It was me.

It had always been about me. And that was and is the problem.

Instead of continually being on my face before the Lord, I was relying on someone else to be God for me. Instead of coming to a relationship with humility, I came with (supposedly) all the answers.

But I don’t mean to downplay all of what I’ve learned—Elliot, Harris, and the Ludys have been tremendous, tremendous blessings in my life. But they aren’t God.

Rehearsing the various love stories of the Bible, none of them look the same, and there is no pattern nor formula neatly laid out for me in five easy steps of how to find God’s will for me with regard to marriage.

God brought Eve to Adam. Moses met Zipporah in the middle of the dessert, while trying to escape a death sentence. Isaac and Rebekah were arranged by another man. Ruth asked Boaz (in the middle of the night, I might add).  Hosea married a hooker. Joseph remained betrothed to a pregnant girl, because an angel told him to in a dream. Paul didn’t get married.

Where are my instructions on exactly how to be in a relationship with someone while pursuing marriage? Well, other than to be pure and marry someone who is a follower of Christ…there aren’t many.

It’s the whole Bible we must examine—the wisdom God points out, and the continual recognition that our very lives are entirely to be about HIS glory, HIS mission, HIS delight.

My life isn’t about getting married—it’s about glorifying God…forever.

And I think that's what Elliot, Harris, and the Ludys were trying to tell me all along.

I am so sorry that I’ve made the hope of marriage about me and not about Jesus. I am so sorry that I’ve manipulated and tried to control.

And now, as I am again blessed with a man who is pursuing me (all the way from the island of Guam), may I stay humble first for the Lord’s service, for He is forever my Beloved. It’s only with His love that I can love well, too.

Keep the Faith,
Audrey Ann

Photo Credit: Marvelous Things Photography by Tori Watson